Awaiting the Bagged Cucumber Swinging Battalion and the Great Battle of Ass Napkins Because…Coronavirus

cucumbers,tv remote, kindle,can of ginger ale toilet paper

UGH. Yes. I am not immune to having an opinion, probably what most will consider an asshole opinion on this Coronavirus, CoVid19 or whatever the hell else you want to call it. I’m just waiting for the day when media outlets cover the stories of people beating the shit out of each other with full bags of cucumbers while at Costco for a bale of ass tissues. I am in no way making fun, but for fuck sake come on. I’m sure there’s going to be patches of grass out there somewhere we’ll be able to scoot on soon, just need a little snow to melt…or, think of it as the next new big thing in ass care, ‘ass cubes’.

There are only so many times that someone can cry wolf, wouldn’t you agree? I don’t know if this is a legitimate cry of wolf, or if this is just the ‘power, control and pea-cocking’ kind of crying wolf. I’ve thus far survived SARS, Y2K, 9/11, Meningitis, Global Warming, hole in the ozone layer, Swine Flu (or any flu for that matter), Hantavirus, HIV/AIDS, the Cold War and other countless varieties of wolf because there’s a new one or two kinds every year. So, please forgive me, as it’s hard to discern. I’ve not witnessed this type of response thus far, so it’s a tad bit unique to say the least.

To be honest, if CANCER had been taken as seriously as this virus, I think it would’ve been cured already. Unfortunately, there’s no cure for greed, so that means we’re stuck with it. Anyway, we’re dealing with nature (maybe?) right now, and she be mighty. If this is truly ‘bad’, it’ll be like little Billy trying to stop a tornado with his water pistol. There’s not much we can do but bend over, grab our ankles and kiss our asses goodbye as we don our pink rhinestone cowboy hats and ride the bull. Yeehaw! We as humans would like to think we have the ultimate control over natural processes, but the reality is, we don’t after a certain point.

I honestly don’t know who to believe. Governments that can’t balance a check book or health authorities who can’t count or don’t know how to use an abacus? Sounds promising, doesn’t it? I know that influenza statistics have been inflated in past years using pneumonia deaths to bolster the numbers, so when something like this comes up, who do you believe? The fact that the individuals involved have fessed up about inflating the numbers, shows the ‘balls’ they have, in creating a compliant atmosphere with the clever utilization of fear. Take note. If someone takes advantage of you once, are you not leery? I am. Even if this is under the ‘health’ category, lies don’t facilitate trust.

I’ve been wondering if this ‘virus’ has been here all along. Shortly after the holiday season, I know many people were struck down with something pretty potent that displayed many of the same characteristics as this virus. Lola ended up with pneumonia, and many others had the fever and whatever else going on around the same time. It’s not uncommon at this time of year to have something virulently pissy floating around, so it’s no mystery.

Adenovirus, fun for the whole family

Our family has experienced the wonderful Adenovirus on more than one occasion, and I can tell you, that is one shitty little bug to catch. It causes pink eye and a number of other little joys if you’re lucky. I haven’t been blessed by the Pink Eye Fairy yet, but I have been taken out by the fever and sore throat and you name it for a while because of it. It was the absolute shits and talk about contagious! Looking at someone merely made it spread, I swear!

After Clem got through the mixed bag of nuts, minus the pink eye, he got pink eye and a participation trophy containing the sore throat and other assorted fun. We were miserable, as in we felt like we were dying, but we survived. No one ever cries wolf when that bitch rears its ugly head, probably because you can’t do anything but ride it out…sorry Adeno, you’re ugly as fuck, and you’re just not a money maker.

This is when I think things are going to get interesting because once they get testing (I’m certain, as they’ve already had this result), that they wont be able to connect the transmission back to a major point of outbreak, only to the site they’ve discovered it at. That means, it’s possibly been here all along. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised. I wouldn’t be surprised when more people who weren’t sick and in the hospital test positive for it too and didn’t even know they were ill. So, is the panic button being pushed prematurely? I can’t say that I have all of the information (and really do they?), nor do I know what’s accurate, nor do I know who I can trust.

I’m reading about the panic that there are test kit shortages, testing inaccuracies and what to do if you exhibit symptoms and so on. But in some places, all I see is panic. I haven’t actually seen it yet with the health ‘authorities’ here, so I would imagine that the media could be working the angles, probably looking to make a buck. Or, maybe they are the warning bell, who knows? Sadly, medicine is big business. It’s a loaded freight train that cannot be stopped it seems, and I have to question everything, after all I’ve witnessed.

Driving the porcelain bus sans alcohol = automatic quarantine at my house

I am one of those people, who does quarantine when sick and miserable if possible. I have been surprised…often, especially when my kids were younger, at the people who’d still drag their peaked kids to their sporting event, early on a Saturday morning after an exhilarating and exciting night of vomiting. Yeah. I’m a bit jaded, but what the fuck? They even want to share the other kid’s water bottles because they conveniently forgot theirs, isn’t that sweet? Sharing is caring!

Out of anything in regards to illness, vomiting is NOT my favorite thing to deal with. In fact, I hate tossing my cookies so much, that I will fight to the bitter end to contain my stomach contents if I can help it. It’s not because I’m cheap either! I haven’t beat food poisoning yet, but I must declare, it’s a worthy opponent. I would even go as far to say that I have emetophobia because I fear it that much. Yeah, me. So when those people show up only a few hours after their kids have driven the porcelain bus all night, sans alcohol, I avoid them like the barf avoidance ninja complete with bleach spraying canons, that I am.

These people are perhaps the ones who aren’t helpful in containing certain highly contractible diseases, so I guess I can see why there may be some panic. I’ve also encountered another unique phenomenon, which still blows my mind to this day. I had a good laugh later, but the people who said this to me, still believe their statement.

I don’t even think it’s a myth, so I don’t even know what to call it. Despite being told repeatedly that their statement is not accurate, they still insist it’s true. These folks were ill, as were our young kids at the time, and we were discussing the postponement of a meet up until after everyone was feeling better. I didn’t want to get sick, especially after dealing with two sick kids, and I also wanted them to recover somewhat before picking up another illness immediately after.

Ready for this? And, I don’t know if anyone else has ever heard of this, but I was honestly floored. They told us, and I quote,

‘not to worry, they’ve had their flu shots, so the kids were perfectly safe around them while they were ill because the kids couldn’t get anything from them’.

What? You’re sick, like sore throat, snotty as fuck, obviously feeling like shit, not to mention, you rarely wash your hands but you’re not contagious because you’ve had the flu shot? What the fuck? Is that what they tell people?

Major spreaders and Tasers

I can see that these folks would be major spreaders (note to self, I wouldn’t want to meet anyone actually named Major Spreaders in real life…just FYI, thanks) because they definitely wouldn’t obey any quarantine measures. Come to think of it, they’d be the ones being Tasered in the middle of the street for not obeying a strict quarantine order, on the way to Costco to buy some more shit paper ‘cause they’re out‘. That is the most accurate description of them, truly. Sigh. They’re my in-laws. We’d see them on the news, and they’d be waving at us ‘through the t.v.’ while flopping and twitching on the ground from the policing shenanigans. Good times. No, I am not related, thank you.

These folks are also frequent flyers to the emergency room for things like indigestion, flatulence, crayola markers on their skin, ingrown toenails, need a Tylenol, ShamWoW, vomiting or any other ailment that can be remedied at home easily, including asking the question, “Why does my poop turn green after I eat a blue Slurpee?“. And, they LOVE doctor’s visits. LOVE LOVE LOVE!! to see their doctor, for absolutely every little thing. So, I guess that’s also another red flag for them. I will try and maintain my distance during this time, now that I think of it.

I keep reading about the almighty hand sanitizer flying off of store shelves as of late. I’ve found this product very intriguing. I think they should actually enforce hand washing in hospitals and not hand sanitizer use. I don’t believe I’ve seen many healthcare workers actually use it the way it was meant to be. I’ve seen a quick application and usually, that’s it. I’ve witnessed a great many other things that would make your toes curl in regards to violations of infection prevention in the healthcare business, but I’ll save those for another time.

Hand sanitizers, the gym of choice for germs

After Caelan got sick, I looked into hand sanitizer use and it’s effectiveness as opposed to hand washing because that’s all they ever used when she was at the clinic and in the hospital. After reading, I decided it wasn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I think that the alcohol content needs to be quite high to kill and I think a lot of that shit is causing just enough harm to bacteria to slightly cause ‘discomfort’ but not enough to kill it. Not to mention, it’s still stuck to your hands after the fact. Yum, fecal facial anyone?

Caelan did a science fair project on that subject this year and it was actually very disgusting. Even running your hands under water without soap for just a few seconds reduces what’s on the hands. All I can say is, for the love of all things hairy, wash your goddamned hands you filthy animal. I am not even going to get into the communal box of gloves on the walls of the hospitals. If anyone is using that hand sanitizer incorrectly in a hospital, even once prior to reaching in for those gloves, I can only imagine what they are spreading when they touch patients. Ick. Food for thought.

On another note, I feel for those poor folks on those bloody cruise ships too. I have to say, that after whatever outbreak they had on a cruise ship a few years ago, where people were stuck on-board for who knows how long and all they had left to eat was onion sandwiches, has deterred me from ever setting foot on one of those things! Oh the agony! I’d probably be quarantined because of the gas I’d be emitting from eating onion sammies! I’d be considered deadly. I know, I have no shame. I’ll be honest, I think Clem and I’d be divorced if he was stuck in a small cabin with me after having eaten said onion sandwiches, IF he survived that horror.

Aunty Ebola

Does anyone remember when Ebola was coming to town? And I don’t mean your aunty ha ha! Remember that? All the hype and what those supposed ‘heroes’ were going to do to cure that disease. Where’d that go? They’re still dealing with it overseas and supposedly these pharmaceutical companies have found something to help…oh yeah, another broad, vast, blanket ‘preventative’ massive money making measure that probably does fuck all, what a disappointment. Where’s a cure? Yes, a cure.

Wow me. Do something that says we should keep you around. Do something great, as opposed to the almighty dick stiffening pills and bush restoration (baldness) remedies you tout. I know, those dick pills were a very profitable accidental finding. Eek, sorry. I spilled that dirty little secret. Oh, and those cancer drugs with the over-inflated promises you make desperate sick people beg for, stop trying to prolong treatment to make more money (I’m also of the thought that you aren’t smart enough to have a cure either, so yeah, I’m a fence dweller). We’re on to you assholes. And to think, this was the nicest version of my post this week…wow.

I guess only time will tell. I don’t know if anyone has come to the same conclusion that we need to start taking better care of ourselves without running to the doctor constantly. We are all human and are limited, including the medical community. Stay home and take care of yourself if you’re feverishly ill and know when it’s bad enough to employ the assistance of medicine. Trust me, it’s not every time you have a sniffle. People need to be understanding about caring for your own damn self because it helps no one to push through it, regardless if it’s a ‘pandemic’ or the lovely Adenovirus. Community Acquired Pneumonia ain’t no joke either.

Ask me what channel, I’ll tell you no lies

I won’t be going to Costco any time soon to join the Bagged Cucumber Swinging Battalion and the Great Battle of Ass Napkins because Clem hoards food and shit tickets like a squirrel hoards nuts. Sorry that sounded wrong, but you get the point. I think that we’d be the only family, to emerge after a couple of weeks of quarantine, severely overweight and stricken with diabetes with the most severe case of pancake ass ever seen on a human. I never have room in my bloody house, and if anyone peers into my pantry, or takes a trip into my basement, they always (without fail) comment on the vast array and quantity of food we have. I’m certain we have a target on our back if the food runs out.

I’m not bragging, I’m just saying that I think we are prepared most days for an apocalypse of some kind without needing to be told. Honestly, I’m sick of my kids seeing these hoards and telling me there’s nothing to eat. Bunch of ass hats they are…yes, Mommy loves you but use the bloody eyes I gave you!

If it comes to quarantine, it’ll be Netflix and chill. I must however, issue this warning. I may be giddy with excitement while watching the news for my unsuspecting in-laws as they make their way through the apocalyptic streets of their town in search of poo mitts. My money is on my in-laws…just sayin’. May the odds be ever in your…piss on it…get ready to rumble officers! This is gonna get ugly.

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