A Return to Kickin’ it Old School

For the love of all things hairy, I sure in the hell hope we’re able to crawl out of our holes soon! I’m kind of going nucking futs right now and it ain’t purdy.

I don’t know about you, but I sure hope that governments have some sort of stimulus package to help flatten my curve cause, damn! I’m kidding, it was a joke! I am being honest though! I’m considering kicking off the Fattening of the Curve movement, in honor of returning to the skills of baking and eating/enjoying it. Homemade is better, no doubt about it, and every body is a bikini body, don’t forget that. Bring on summer!

Day in and day out, it seems like a repetitious scene from Groundhog Day around here and it’s becoming a nightmare of sorts. Let’s just say, I’m ready to tap out WWE style. I smell what The Rock is cooking and my roody-poo candy ass has had enough of it. I need to get some shit done, so it’s time to open a different can of whoop ass ‘cause the first few cans haven’t done shit for me.

Drink the coffee, do the things…yeah right

We get up, I make the coffee so I ‘think/feel like’ I can ‘do the things’, and it all falls apart from there. Whatever routine or schedule these so called ‘experts’ recommend, somehow doesn’t take into account the ‘pissiness’, amount/understanding of schoolwork or life situation I’ve been ceremoniously tossed into and other factors, I deal with on the daily these past few weeks. I’m trying, I really am, but the fact of the matter is and has been the same for years, working from home with children, is an astronomical feat no matter their age or ages. I hope that this is acknowledged after everyone has been locked down with their lovely children because Clem and I learned this years ago. It’s kind of funny actually!

I thought I knew a few things about a few things, but shit just got real. I know fuck all about teenage girls…I was one once, but what the hell? What I’ve been learning about the last couple of weeks, has been ‘fun’ to say the least. I’m learning a great deal about teenagers and the ‘how’ and the ‘when’ the hormones roll into the picture with my two girls and how to navigate. My very own hormones are only complicating shit and I feel like I’m on a Tilt-A-Whirl like no other right now. Not having a haircut in months, doesn’t help either. We’re a real lovely bunch, and I can see why Clem (the only male in our household) avoids us like the plague ha ha!

I feel like a nerd raging, ugly ass, uncoordinated blinking Christmas tree that has moments of feeling like I’m on fire while being covered in a mountain of snow, and simultaneously feeling ugly, mad, sad, frustrated and psycho at the same time. Give me some chocolate covered Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos with multi colored sprinkles, and please, tell me I’m pretty. Yeah, I’m that kind of psycho right now and trying to do all the ‘things’, hasn’t been good for me. Feeling like I’m failing at everything, is ugly.

I have moments of great joy with my girls and then I have moments where I consider giving myself a haircut with a blow torch, just because I can think of no other way to help make myself feel better. You can’t fix the kind of ugly I’m feeling right now, but that is starting to seem like my only option. Create a new beauty trend and just roll with it to feel human again. Yeah, stay tuned for that photo folks. I promise you, it’ll be worth the wait. So will the makeup tutorial that follows, Happy Clown Makeup While Eating Chocolate in the Warm Clothes Dryer. Where’s my padded room with a view?

Teenagers…need I say more?

And then, there’s my kids. Caelan has been throwing me ‘pissiness’ of epic proportions daily during school work hours, which I’ve been managing and we seem to be getting along alright, but then there’s my other daughter, ha! My amazing and lovely Lola, whom I love and adore so much, is reminding me of the combative, know-it-all assholes I have come to despise, that I’ve encountered throughout my life. Ugh, teenagers.

Terrifyingly, her mask has several different faces and I never know if her head is going to turn to one of the ugly ones while she is hugging the piss out of me. I worry that she’ll unsuspectingly snap me like a twig. Scary. I feed her chocolate, so I’m in the clear ha ha! What the hell did I do wrong to end up with a teenager like this? I know, she won’t be like this forever…I hope.

I usually sleep with one eye open, as I’ve learned from my ‘Mommyhood’ adventures because the little shit used to stand by my side of the bed, watching me while I’d sleep before waking me up with her cute little melodic voice calling “Mommy,” (if I hadn’t jumped into a fully awake state by that time) after she had her psychotic fill of watching me slumber in exhaustion. I think moms have several lives, and I’m certain that most of mine were used up in those early years by Lola and her ‘watching’ moments. If you haven’t experienced it, I highly recommend, especially if you’re signing up to be on a Navy SEAL team.

When being awoken in that manner, I can attest that it causes instant fear, confusion and shit filled pants. This experience, has helped to fine tune the thought processes during extreme, adrenaline pumping action whereby allowing to know when to strike out with a baseball bat or, when to go into full on puppy-eyed caring mommy mode. It’s a skill folks. It has to be utilized and fine-tuned.

Admittedly, I have yet to return to sleeping heavily and I feel as though someone is constantly watching me while I sleep nightly. I am currently dealing with a teenager (who seems to have no sense of hearing, otherwise known as deaf) ransacking my refrigerator and pantry at all hours, who terrifyingly awakens me in the night with the sounds of crinkly food packaging and squeaky doors. I never know if she’ll revert to her ‘watching’ habit while awaiting my awakening, complete with foot tapping, crossed arms, and shitty attitude displayed with permanent eyeball roll, to ask me who the hell ate all the Pringles.

I don’t know if I should say, “We have Pringles?” or if I should just keep my mouth shut. I’m a little jumpy at bedtime still, to say the least. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sleep deprivation doesn’t end after the first few years, sorry. I think my sleep deprivation may also be a factor in my current mental state, in addition to the ugly. I guess I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

One of the biggest decisions of my life

I know many moms/dads who decided to go to work as soon as they could after having their children. Many admit, they couldn’t handle being with their kids all day, so the return to work was to the benefit of all, and I can see that side too, no judgement. To the many of us who could or decided to do so, I think that this lock down has secured our position, as being one of the most skilled, difficult and honorable jobs known to man. If only that was reflected in society! Could you imagine if it was?

Parades being thrown in your honor, on the way to your destination (usually, the grocery store), when you’ve managed to make it out of your house, dressed with dressed children (kids partially dressed included, both shoes optional)! Same for having pissy teens, within a 30 minute time variance. VIP service at the grocery stores where the best and highest quality child care is extended to you, free of charge while you shop. Teenage hangout complete with ample charging stations and free WiFi provided…can you imagine!

Before you even begin the shopping process, the offer of an uninterrupted hot shower, hot food and full pampering service, nap included as part of the package. I’d go for participation awards handed out, every week, full of alcoholic beverages and chocolate or whatever floats your boat to acknowledge your hard work and dedication and to keep you going each week. You can do it! Go team!

Fashion shows in Milan, showcasing the latest pairs of comfy sweatpants (machine dry only…exciting!). A dream!! No more, I fit into my bikini without ever looking like I was pregnant, two minutes after birthing a watermelon and I look fantastic moments. That would be an awesome world to live in. Sigh, if only. Parenting isn’t always easy, and in this situation, probably near insane.

New dogs, old tricks

I’ve been hearing that many people have taken to bread making during the lock down and I laugh because the joy people have rekindled in baking, should’ve never died in the first place. I have been trying to find the time to teach my kids more about how to do this over the years, and have been aiming to teach more of the things that have fallen by the wayside. It’s surprising that sewing has come back with a vengeance, with the emergence of fabric face masks. I bet many didn’t see that coming!

My kids have had enough with Google Classroom learning already, myself included, and I want to rekindle their excitement of learning. My day job may have to take a backseat for a while, for society has seemingly turned back the clocks and the role of old style, traditional parenting has ensued. Many parents are still trying to manage the best of both worlds, or are forced to do so, and I support them, but I’m only human and will only be able to choose one. I don’t think that’d be a bad thing for me right now.

So instead of berating myself, which only makes me feel like a failure and an ugly psycho, I am contemplating a return to the ‘old school’ method. I love doing the things that were once considered important for living, and not only is it enjoyable, but the skills learned are valuable and still apply today. In addition to that, my kids are going to learn about caring for a household and cooking meals and the like which are still as relevant as they were in the past. No more, I don’t know how to scrub a toilet bullshit.

I’ve been cleaning out my basement and arranging a sewing room of sorts and I want my kids to learn more than the very basics. I know I wouldn’t be as stressed out and I think that my joy for learning new things may influence them to think outside the box and encourage them to indulge in the same. Creativity is important, and being adaptable even more so.


Case in point, quilting has taught me a ton about variables, buying appropriate yardage, patience, and the eloquence of cussing. The term, measure twice and cut once, is bullshit. My mantra is this, contemplate like an insane intellect, read the instructions a billion times like the indecisive, insecure and self-doubting bad-ass you are, watch every tutorial on the subject, consult Pinterest numerously and questioningly, question your own sanity and decision, commit to the process, measure a million times, ask yourself if this is what you really want, cut once and cuss for hours. Annnd repeat!

Adjust variables and screwing it all up, over and over again, until you nail it and realize it was the smallest fix, IF you remember what you did differently that time. Berate yourself a million times over and that solidifies the learning process. If that doesn’t teach you something, I don’t know what will.

Clem can attest to the following lessons as well. It only took the man nearly 20 years to learn to read the instruction booklet that accompanies a new product first, before doing anything else. He used to follow the same path time and time again. He’d start with just slapping shit together, only to realize his error, near completion of said product, to which he’d throw angry ‘shitfits’ like a frustrated toddler while dismantling said item. It became a common theme over the years.

His next step was to holler for me, cussing out ‘my’ purchase, even though it was a mutual decision. At that point, I’d lovingly ask if he’d consulted the instructions, to which he’d reply,

“Of course I read the instructions, do you think I’m stupid?”.

My loving husband, Clem

Being the lady that I am, I’d just keep my mouth shut and consult the instruction manual and begin my main job (the same applies to my parroting of GPS directions) of reading the instructions aloud, and continuing the process until said project was completed.

Clem has finally discovered that immediately perusing the instruction manual, eliminated my part in the process and any embarrassment he’d incur. If there wasn’t a manual provided, a website or tutorial is often sought out. Smart!

If none of the above are available, he proceeds to call a religious figure of some sort for last rites while kissing his own ass goodbye before jumping off into the abyss. I swear, some of these companies have a very sick fetish. They thoroughly enjoy the frustration of people being unable to put their own shit together. I’m looking at you Ikea, Wayfair and Jysk…shame on you sadists! I still love you though…

I feel that our most valuable lessons, come from experience. There’s mimicry in nature for a reason and I feel the skills of the past are still very valuable today. I’ve noticed that both of my girls have asked many questions about the things I do, but I’ve rarely had the time to do it with them after explaining it.

Over the past few days, I’ve been making an effort to just sit and talk to them more, instead of constantly prodding them to do their school work because it’s honestly, not worth the fight. Our relationships needn’t suffer over school work and I realize that there are better ways. I just hope that they get more out of this method and that I haven’t screwed them up for it.

We’re all stressed out enough already and don’t need to add to the pile. I hope society has some understanding and that the kids aren’t punished for being human. Maybe schooling will change too, less sitting and more exploring, only time will tell. I’m actually looking forward to our next kick at the can, maybe it’ll stick, or at the very least, provide a very entertaining story in the aftermath! In the meantime, I’m off to find the blow torch…

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