Dear Lea,
It’s Mother’s Day. Crazy, right?
It’s the first since you left this crazy spinning planet. Believe me, it’s been beyond crazy, kind of sad you missed it. It’s funny because all I can think about is you today. You, yes, you.
I’m also thinking about your boys and I wonder what they’re thinking today. Does your youngest have any idea what it means that you’re gone? He’s 4, so I can only imagine what goes through his mind. What kind of pain does he feel, is it similar to mine? And how about your oldest? I can’t even fathom what he has been going through. I don’t know if I’ll be privy to any of those answers any time soon and really, I don’t know if I could handle it.
At no time, have I ever equated pain and loss to this day because I still have Mom, but it’s very different now that you’re gone. Simply put, you were a mother, and now, you’re not able to be. This is a tragedy, and one I wonder if the world truly understands the implications of.
I think I’ve finally realized that the huge gaping hole in my heart, is one that will never close or be filled. It’s a perplexing feeling and one that I am struggling to understand. No matter what or how I try to fill that void, nothing will ever replace you. Never. Never is an easy word to say, but wrapping my head around the concept of the meaning, is mind blowing. What a powerful word…never.
I’d like to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day, wherever you may be in the universe and let you know that you are still very much present in our lives. I know that today would’ve been just another one of those days for you, but we would’ve all made it known how much we love and cherish you at the very least. Being a mom is hard, but you were a natural. Your technique was unconventional, but your kids love and adore you immensely. You are deeply missed.
I’d like to say that we are all moving forward, but I feel as though life is dragging me through itself. It’s not dragging me through the ‘nice’ things either. It’s hard to try and leave it all behind, you know? I feel like I just can’t right now. It was and still is a pivotal and life changing time that I still feel I’m immersed in. It’s not an easy thing to just walk away from, it obviously takes time, lots of it.
Life has been full of ‘meh’ days, a few low days and some good ones, but the constant that remains, revolves around you and your loss. It’s not your fault, I hope you know that. It’s just that you meant so damn much to us all. You never know what you have, until it’s gone, resonates constantly at this point, but we all knew what we had, long before we lost it.
In essence, I feel like we began grieving, long before you left us. I don’t feel like that served any purpose, other than to make the grieving process longer and more painful than necessary. I feel like we were robbed because of that. Thank you for that valuable lesson Lea. I’m trying not to live like that any more. I cherish each day that I have with everyone, while attempting to take death out of the equation within my relationships. Our memorable moments had more to do with the everyday lives we lived and less of the once in a lifetime.
I know there’s a day coming, but I have no idea when, so why obsess over it? We should make every day count and there’s nothing wrong with having a life that isn’t extravagant and over the top. It’s one thing to live each day like it’s my last, and wholly another to live like I’m dying. Surprisingly, there’s a difference. I will only die once and I have no idea when, so why make that the focus in my life? Why dying becomes the biggest factor in living each day, now baffles me. It makes zero sense to worry and is truly one of the thieves of joy. Deep man, real deep. I could just go on forever with that line of thought. Thank you for the wisdom Lea.
I’ve been finding it difficult to look at photos of you as of late, a new and mystifying experience within this journey. Grief is such a chameleon and ‘shape shifter’ of sorts. Obviously, there’s no manual because each of us is so different in our path through it and that makes for a lonely journey sometimes. I’m finding it difficult, to not get lost without a map. I know I’ll get there, but I feel like I’m definitely taking the long way around.
My mind is trying to do that thing, where it wants so desperately to soften the blow and make your memories fade and it’s frustrating. As it attempts to make things hazy, in a desperate bid to give me the relief it feels I need to move on, I find that I am constantly fighting it. I won’t let it win. I’d rather remember everything clearly and live with the sorrow, than forget everything about you. I wish my mind would just cooperate instead of trying to wear me down. It’d be better this way I’m sure. It’s part of that bartering process because I just want to live in harmony with my thoughts, on my own terms. It’s me versus nature, and I’m not sure if this is a smart battle to pick, but I see value in the fight.
I seem to waver in this battle constantly, and it scares me more than anything. My eyes often connect with yours in the photos I have of you and I feel the need to pinch myself to confirm that you were indeed here and very much real. It’s so weird, I can’t even describe it. I know that the biggest battle I face, is within myself and the desperate clinging to your memory. My mind is a worthy opponent and I know the difficulties I face in engaging it. It seems like an impossible task, but I hope I will persevere. Wish me luck.
I hope that wherever you are, you’re feeling our love today. You won’t be forgotten and you’ll always be loved, never forget that. You continue to inspire me in ways I could never imagine, and I appreciate you for enriching my life.
Happy Mother’s Day Lea.
I love and miss you.
Ali
The Hopeful Pessimist 