My Teenager Is Turning Me Into A Scary Clown And Even I’m Terrified

So, it looks like I’m going to go ahead and purchase a beat up, creepy as fuck, old, rusted out ice cream truck that I found on Kijiji for $3,000…Canadian. A helluva deal. Backfires and smokes like a chimney but it still runs, so I have no complaints.

I think an infamous criminal society used it previously…the freezers in this thing holds something like 16-20 bodies…according to the ad. Depending on the size and shape of course. What a selling feature. I’m kidding! Seriously though…that’s a lotta space.

And for my next trick! I’m painting the bloody thing, yeah! With a scary clown on the side enshrouded in black and red ghost flames with a wispy and swirly bluish green mist to blend! Real nice. The kids are gonna love it!

Needless to say, my lovely and wonderful teenaged daughter, Juvie…sorry, I meant Lola, is back to her shitty shenanigans again. Teenagers. Tell me again why or how they suddenly morph from being the sweet child you once knew to a complete asshole in less than a second?

I seem to have forgotten. I’m getting old apparently and according to Lola, I’m fucking stupid…her exact words…yeah, I know, who is this kid? I may be sweary, but my kids were not raised this way and I’ve never been disrespectful.

I’m nothing even remotely close to this. I would never and I mean never call my mother fucking stupid. That’d be absolutely insane because my mother would kill me. Even now. And she’d have every right to do that too…child of the 80’s…enough said. Again, who is this kid? Let’s just say, the correction of her disrespect, is a work in progress.

Goals & dreams boards and unsubscribing

Suddenly I feel the need to dig out the paperwork for that military camp I’ve been dreaming about while drinking my morning bottle of rum. I made a Goals and Dreams board the other day, but I keep finding myself pasting photos of sad, crying children running obstacle courses at a boot camps through the mud and in the pouring rain. I seem to be obsessed with those photos. I smile inside when I see them for some bizarre reason. Someone’s trying to tell me something…Karma, is that you?

Again, I preface, I love my kid and had her willingly. I just never signed up for this shit. I’ve hit the unsubscribe button multiple times, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’ve tried calling in, but it’s worse than when Clem and I tried to cancel some children’s book club way back when. They just won’t take no for an answer.

Gawd, those were the days. I’ll take the shitty book club back any day. Eventually they get tired of you calling them every single day and tying up the line to complain. At least they answer their phone. Actually, that’s not entirely true.

I called them after they kept annoying the fuck out of me to keep buying their shit, while they continued to keep sending me their shit, without my permission, and expecting me to pay for it immediately. It was beyond difficult to send it back too. They never had any record of receiving it and often said it took weeks to process it before being entered into their system. What a pain in the ass.

I eventually decided to fire back with insisting they needed to buy a hand carved coffin from me. The shtick I used was, everyone needs one eventually and since they scratched my back, I’d scratch theirs. I was very persistent and managed to make a deal that they would stop sending me their shit if I didn’t call and tie up the line to sell them coffins. End of story.

If only Lola knew how to use those two floppy things on each side of her head. I wonder if I should print off a manual…wait, she doesn’t read. I’ll see if I can snap it to her, yeah. Too bad snapping doesn’t involve a thick rubber band and a little pain.

Am I mad? Nah. Well maybe only a little. Our hormones seem to syncing up and I am not one to back down in a game of one upmanship with her. No, that’d just be ridiculous to pass up the opportunity to teach her that she doesn’t know shit. Why waste it? She’s been so disrespectful that even I am offended, mystified by her behavior and stunned into complete silence. That takes a lot, believe me.

Yeah, I can be a little scary sometimes

I cannot wait to see the look on her face when she sees me driving in my new ride past all of her friends! Actually, she won’t recognize me because I’ll be wearing one of the many scary clown masks I bought from the Halloween Store last fall. I’m so excited!

I’m still trying to figure out what ensemble I want to wear. Has to be flexible and durable in the event I actually have to get out and chase. Crotch needs flexibility when I hop the fences I know I’m going to hop. Needs to fit the part too, that’s super important. Scary as fuck is what I’m aiming for. It’ll have to look like I had too much fun splashing in the barrels of blood at a horror movie shoot.

I’ve always wanted a badge of some kind, so maybe I’ll implement that too. It’ll say Demented Clown Collection Services or some shit and it’ll have the same creepy clown as the side of my truck. I love it!

Ooh and a name tag! Instead of Bozo I can be Boozy! Sweet! I’m super excited! Best day ever! I’m sensing a Homey D. Clown from In Living Color vibe.

I need a tube sock stuffed with tennis balls so I can whack kids on the head and yell his signature line of Homey don’t play that. Am I crazy? Meh, maybe a little. I know I’ve had way too much time on my hands lately. Way too much time. Need I remind anyone that that alone can be dangerous?

In this adventure, there’s no indecisiveness either because once I commit to chasing, I won’t stop until the job is done. Such an odd trait that I have. Hard to start but won’t quit…where does that come from? I feel like I’ve been training for this exact moment my entire life. Scary.

I’m not fed up, I’m just getting started

I’m seizing the bloody day man! No more of this hemming and hawing bullshit that I’ve been doing. My indecisive self needs a makeover and this, by far, is probably going to be the best version of me to date. I think the statement don’t fuck with me is the best way to describe it.

Dang, I kinda like it. I think that’s going to go on the front of my new truck as my slogan. It won’t need to be written backwards either. The kids I’m going to be chasing down don’t have a driver’s license yet which means they don’t have a rear-view mirror to glance into. They’ll be on foot and too busy running from the horror behind them.

I kind of doubt that anyone will actually read the words on the front of my ride because I’ll be busy hauling ass and chasing little shits down. Yup, new business venture, and very much needed by the look of things going on around town. I’m not the dog catcher, I’m the errant teen catcher. The amount of kids roaming the streets at night here, has been astronomical.

That said, I do feel for them. They really have nowhere to go and hang out here in town, and seem to be gravitating to the local school yards. Yes, you read that correctly, hanging out at the schools. Lola and Caelan actually miss school right now, how’s that for desperation?

I never thought this town was like this

You wanna talk about how the lock down has changed a place, look no further than here. It wasn’t spectacular before, but it’s definitely worse now. You can now see it for what it truly is.

They recently reopened the rec complex (there’s nothing really in there for the young people to do within our community) but it’s now all by appointment only. Kids are sporadic and don’t make appointments. Therefore, opening it up for them was pointless in helping give our kids any place for socialization after being locked down. Oh wait, opening their doors wasn’t for them anyway.

Older adults yes, younger generation, no. Both of my girls spent plenty of time there before the lock down, but they often ran out of things to do and ended up hanging out in lobby area or at the little canteen/sitting area with a purchase so they could visit. Kids were not considered when this complex was planned unfortunately.

We would know because Clem had ‘participated’ in the planning of it. What a joke that was. After spending hours at committee meetings, the approved plans magically appeared one day and everyone was dismissed. It wasn’t what this community needed, that’s for sure. So yeah, kids aren’t really able to hang out there.

Who’s driving this bus anyway?

The skate park is constantly overfull, but the bulk of our young folk live on the opposite side of town and the park is only so big. It should’ve been 3 to 4 times the size, just to serve the amount of kids the year it was built, let alone now. We have industrial mixed with small businesses, and some residential spread out within and all around it. The town is really well thought out and people absolutely love it here.

We seem to have a constant influx and outflow, all the time. Hot or cold, the real estate market in town doesn’t seem to be affected by anything. We always have houses on the market and they’re always scooped up in a hurry. It’s in a bubble all its own. I can’t blame older residents for not wanting any change here, but things have changed drastically (population wise) and it’s too bad they’re so resistant to it. They don’t realize that they’d benefit from some change.

There’s nothing here for anyone to do and that’s why people only stay a short time before discovering that there’s better somewhere else, sad. I’m not the only one with this opinion either. Still wanna follow the people who make shitty decisions for us?

They basically shit where they eat without thought. Welcome to town. Now that’s a slogan I think many can attest to. Someone was super shitty at SimCity is all I can say.

Pushing boundaries and buttons, the wrong ones

Anyway, my kid has been pushing boundaries as you may have read previously, and because we know and understand that kids test boundaries, we decided to let her show us that she’s capable of responsible thought. As of late, she hasn’t snuck out or done any stupid shit…that we know of, but she’s been really pushing it. As of last night, I feel like she’s finally just pushed my buttons one million times too many and now they’re broken.

It was around 10 p.m. when I started to kick into action. I expected her to be home by 9:30 because she claims that she’s mature for her age due to all of the experiences she’s had. Granted, she has had a few experiences but that certainly hasn’t come into play in regards to her behavior. Anyway, I was hopeful that she’d be home by the absolute latest 10 p.m. and when we hadn’t heard anything from her well after that, I began to worry.

We had to put a tracking app on to her phone because if she loses it (which is a common thing for her to do with her belongings) we wanted to be able to track it down. We have some insurance on her phone but there wasn’t loss or theft available and even if it does become available, there has to have a tracking app installed. With that explanation out of the way, Juvie (Lola) here, has been shutting it off.

If Lola’s been shutting it off, then I now have my suspicions about her whereabouts. Originally, I wasn’t tracking my kid so much as the phone because she really wasn’t going anywhere other than her usual spots…houses and schools yes, everywhere else, no. She’s making me consider a change in plans.

Instead of the app, I’ve been considering the purchase of a house arrest bracelet in the event this continues. I’m wondering if they have any that come with a shocking mechanism when it leaves certain areas? Just wondering…

Seriously? I’m strict?

I don’t think I’m being overly restrictive when all I ask is that she text when she gets to where she’s going (and tells me where that may be) and to let me know if she changes her location. We’ve had some wicked weather and we’ve driven to her to pick her up because there wasn’t anywhere safe to be to wait for the storm to blow over. One time, the rain was so bad we couldn’t hear each other when she called. Conveniently, we merely glanced at the tracking app and got to her quickly. Without it, who knows how long we would’ve been driving around.

Needless to say, she has been hot and cold on that stipulation. As such, we nag her to check in but we we’ve also been relying on the tracking app to find her ass when she doesn’t do as asked. Especially if we haven’t heard from her in hours.

As of late, it’s been ‘glitching’…her words, not ours. It’s funny because she thinks we’re stupid, ha! I wasn’t born yesterday and I’m far from stupid when it comes to evasive actions. I am the queen when it comes to avoidance.

I’m an extreme introvert (like at an extreme sports level) and I know evasive tactics like no other. One other person in the aisle at the grocery store, no problem! I’ll go around the entire store and swing back around later while avoiding everyone else.

Social distancing? I was quite the player prior to this even being a thing. I believe many introverts used to call a person that we didn’t know nor want to encounter was a nope and was to be avoided at all costs. I know how to be invisible and I know the many tricks to achieve it.

And the saga continues

Anyway, after calling and texting her and getting no answer (another major offence), Clem decided to go out for an evening drive and retrieve her because the clouds had rolled in, making it very dark outside. Long story short, she finally text me to say that she was somewhere way across town and that she’d be home around 11:30. Ha!

I laughed when I read that. I was thinking you’re telling me that you’ll be home when? Um, it doesn’t work that way Sweetheart. I told her that her father was out looking for her and that she’d be getting a ride home immediately. Yeah, she’s very manure…sorry mature.

Clem did finally track her and her friend down and gave the friend a ride home too. They weren’t where Lola said they’d be but within the vicinity. Also, this wasn’t a friend a little while ago and now suddenly she is again. My daughter hasn’t learned anything over the past few weeks in regards to friends sadly. I have a feeling that this is either going to be learned the hard way, or she takes after my sister (everyone else is priority, not herself). At this point, I’m sure it’s both.

My kid thinks she knows everything

After Clem and Lola arrived back at home, we had a little discussion. Of course, it always ends up being exactly the same. She’s superior and we are peasants. She is smart and we are dumb. She is wise and we are idiots. She dips and we dab…I haven’t a fucking clue what the lingo is that they use now.

Linking? Cap? Dipping? Vibing? What the fuck? Here’s one for her, stop being a narcissistic and inconsiderate asshole. I enunciated that clearly. If I need to spell that one out, we have some issues.

After repeating ourselves over and over about the rules and consequences, she fucks off, telling us she’s exhausted and going to bed. Well that was a blatant lie. She still hasn’t reversed the sleeping all day and staying up all night thing. I don’t think she can do it on her own and I’m ready to assist. It won’t be pretty.

Battle, my favorite thing to prepare for

As I know that my kid is probably going to keep this shit up, I am preparing for battle. I’ve found and am about to secure the old ass ice cream truck and turn it into an effective tool in the pursuit of my errant teenaged daughter. I’m leaning towards installing a loader bucket with some insane graphics on it too. Sounds wicked, doesn’t it?

Why the preparation? Well, it’s time to clean up the streets I think. I took a drive one night around 11 p.m. and was shocked to see (and verify Lola’s claims that kids do stay out that late) how many young kids were straggling around the community.

Is this what teenage life has come to? Loitering at schools or around town late at night at that young of an age? Seriously? Crazy. But I guess with so many parents at home right now, where do they go to hang out away from the adults? But that young and that late? Am I out to lunch?

I think it’s time to introduce some fun. I keep hearing that the cops don’t say or do shit, so maybe it’s time for some parental vigilante justice in the form of a demented and scary as fuck ice cream clown. Yeah, ain’t that some crazy shit?

I openly admit that I am different

The loader bucket will be for when I chase down the little shits and scoop them up to deliver them to their mommies and daddies after dark. I’m considering asking them to pay a fee for my services…like $5 to cover gas and maybe some ice cream bars for the ride. If the parents don’t give a shit, and I’m sensing that vibe from some, they can pay me double. Lawyers aren’t cheap so really, I’m doing them a favor.

The ice cream isn’t for the kids, it’s for me…and maybe for some of the parents who are fed up with having to put up with their kid’s shit. Hey, I could offer shots but I figure ice cream may be more acceptable to the sensitive folk who live in this town. Sounds like a lucrative business, so why not?

While I’m in hot pursuit (which will be disappointing because kids no longer have this thing called stamina), I’m going to play the exact same music that the old jack in the boxes used to play. I fucking hated those damn things. They scared the shit out of me every single time.

I knew it was coming and yet I still jumped when the bloody thing popped out. Gives me nightmares. Man did we ever have trauma inducing toys! When I am about to close the gap and scoop them into the bucket or complete capture, the ‘pop’ portion of the music will play to finalize the end of said pursuit. Isn’t that awesome!

After all this, you shouldn’t be surprised

I’ve got some sub woofers and speakers to blare that shit. I’m so excited! When they hear that tune they’re gonna run. Guaranteed. That truck and I are going to be scary as fuck and those kids are going to think twice about being out that late or making shitty decisions.

I’m still trying to figure out a way to conveniently deposit them into the back of the truck once caught via bucket. I’ll have to install some seats complete with seat belts, you know, for ‘safety’ and a trap door to somehow to get them into the back without having to stop. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I can hear the terrifying screams now.

Yeah, I’m sadistic apparently but I’m tired of being disrespected and this is the first card I’m going to play. Imagine that hey! We just started to deal the deck Juvie, what’s going to happen next? I’m just gonna run with it.

Yeah, I’m a little mad

It shouldn’t take long to clean up the streets after dark with my handy dandy truck. Not only that, once the little buggers figure out just what the hell I’m doing, I won’t have to do a thing because they’ll easily police themselves and head back home. If only. One thing is for certain, they’d rather avoid all of this than die of embarrassment because Lola’s mommy gave them a ride home in the back of the scary clown mobile.

I figure that if someone is willing to do something and follow through with patrolling, then maybe the kids will get the hint. If I gotta collect them and bring them home once or twice, they might figure out that they should be at home, tucked safely into their beds because there’s a fucking psycho wearing a scary clown mask out there collecting kids. At the very least, I figure a few backfires might scare the ever loving shit out of them because they haven’t a clue what that is in this day and age.

They will all think it’s gunfire and run I’m sure. Isn’t that sad? If we heard that, we knew it was an old rust bucket backfiring. I miss the old days.

Clem’s thinking about getting himself a jazzy new ride too if all goes well. He wants a stinky old garbage truck. We could be on to something. You never know, we might be coming to a town or city near you!

Honestly, I feel a bad for the kids

Am I being too optimistic? Maybe. Perhaps I’m just in a shitty mood still. I’m going to crack another bottle of rum and eat some chocolate while I sew my new outfit and then decide. I may just have to go out on patrol and do some research before diving in and it might just be tonight!

When I think about it, I feel bad for kids nowadays. And I’m not saying that the shit done during the Jackass era wasn’t crazy and stupid but when I think about what kids today have, it does make me sad. It’s sad because they really aren’t able to be the same kids as many of us were. As you can see, some of us haven’t quite grown up yet…no comment.

Their technology keeps them tethered and most of their lives are recorded. I don’t think Lola knows that she can put the phone away when she feels overwhelmed. That’s something she’s going to have to figure out because it doesn’t matter if I tell her, she has to learn on her own. She’s not 9-1-1 for her friends and on call 24 hours a day. It’s lunacy to expect than of anyone.

I don’t know if kids get away with as much shit nowadays when you think about it. Everyone seems to record everything these days and it’s put on social media without even a thought about it’s future implications. What’s put out there could easily be found by their future employers down the road.

Talk about a potentially harsh judgement call. I’m certainly not the same as when I was a teenager, far from it. I’m bad now…obviously.

Can you imagine what your employer would think if a video was out there of you doing the usual teenage shit way back when? How about some of the things we do after hours now? Some of us would be labelled unemployable for life I’m betting.

That’s not a fair judgement call, is it? Many of us play really hard but we also work exceptionally hard too and are good people. I wouldn’t wish this judgement on anyone.

No teen hangout locations, no peace of mind

I can see why Lola pushes back. How else can these kids be rebellious? Don’t say eating Tide Pods either, seriously. Am I overreacting and being too strict?

Again, I know she has a good head on her shoulders because when we actually talk, I hear Clem and myself fall out of her mouth. I just don’t trust others out there and this town seems to have some shit going on, with many adults. Some of which may be involving our kids. That’s where the worry comes in.

It’s really too bad the kids in this town don’t really have any place to go and hang out because at the very least, my kid might be there instead of roaming aimlessly. We had the usual ‘spots’ in my old hometown that pretty much everyone knew about. I’m surprised they don’t here, it’s way bigger than where I came from. I suppose it is a different time too.

It’s actually big enough for city status but the town doesn’t want to do that. I can’t blame them, but there are a lot of people who live in this community and it’s kind of past time to start putting some amenities in place for all of it’s residents (as I said before, lots for older folks). The people who live in this community are really good people and they should have access to things that will benefit them and their families. I’ve said my piece.

Hoping for better

I can only imagine how the kids are struggling through everything right now. I can’t even stand it. Clem and I did try to advocate for youth in our community years ago, but that fell through because kids don’t pay taxes. Isn’t that something?

It’s funny that people haven’t figured out that by giving, you get back. May not be monetarily all the time, but in regards to what it does for a community, is just as valuable, if not more. I also know that kids can be shits too, I’m not naive. I just wish that our earlier efforts would’ve spurred a little more support.

I’m hoping that our next move will have plenty of places for our kids to be kids, otherwise, I feel like their childhoods really suck and that’s shitty. I swear, I’m starting to feel like I need to show them how to be creative in their rebellion…am I sick?

Maybe I should be driving around and picking them up to show them what we used to do for shits and giggles. And I thought having to teach them how to play was bad. What’s next?

Honestly, I know they’re supposed to give me grey hair, they’re succeeding by the way, but I just don’t want shit to go sideways. I don’t wish for any kid to take a path that I wouldn’t choose for myself because many don’t make it out alive or without consequence. I know a few personally, and it’s depressing. I’m seeing that this may be the only route in this town that many will eventually take because there really aren’t many other options.

Honestly, I am truly afraid for Lola and many of the kids here. Her super shitty attitude isn’t helping either because she said she doesn’t care and that’s what makes this combination worrisome. Some of the kids she tells me about, have already started down this path at 13 years old and younger. Clem and I went to school with kids who started that young, and we really don’t want that for anyone’s kid.

Moving might actually be a better option so I can stay home at night and watch all of my glorious TV shows instead of running around, vacuuming up rebellious teens. Might keep me from being arrested too actually. Married at First Sight or 90 Day Fiance anyone? I’m going to be brutally honest, clowns scare the ever loving shit out of me and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live with my alter ego peacefully.

I’m already a little scared of myself and didn’t need to up the ante with the clown shit. How the hell am I supposed to sleep at night with myself? Another one of those things I’m just going to have to learn to live with I guess. Yup, I’m definitely bad.