I know this is early, but the next few days are going to be hectic for me, so I thought I’d send my usual Saturday post out today.
Karma, is that you my dear friend?
Ah yes, it has to be. Only you are capable of producing such mayhem. It’s impressive, well done.
All we can do now, is make the most of it, so…someone hold me back! Cue the poor decision making and instant gratification side of me! Where is my mother to tell me no?
Isolation
So, both of my kids have been told they have to legally isolate in addition to 11 plus classes at their school. And, as of last night, the entire school decided to shut down and go to online learning until late next week. There were maybe 4 or so classes left in the building, so it makes sense to shut it all down.
I will say that this isolation stuff has been quite the experience. So many letters finding us late at night, full of no idea what’s going on. Oh, the chaos! If anything was as clear as mud, this certainly has been just that.
We were all told to do the Hokey Pokey but no one knew if they were supposed to put their left foot in their mouth or take whoever’s foot out of their ass, or if we were all supposed to just take it all out and shake it all about. It’s been a horribly orchestrated, kindergarten level Christmas pageant montage that’s completely out of whack. And, it’s still going strong.
The Covie Pokey
I feel like we’re all currently on stage and we’ve got quite a few kids flipping the bird to the crowd, some who are daydreaming about chasing butterflies and then there’s that one little kid, who’s terrified into stillness due to stage fright. The rest are attempting to put their best foot forward, flaunting their diva-like personalities, being sure that everyone can hear and see them, which makes this one big cacophonous and deafeningly loud, uncoordinated stage event, comparable to a pre-school Christmas pageant.
You can basically put whatever school production that involves our youngest and cutest into that sentence and that would be similar to the coordination of this occurrence. Always hilariously memorable and cute, despite being loud and similar to shooing chickens. But this, this is something else and it’s far from cute, it’s pretty ugly. I call it…The Covie Pokey.
I’m not even going to elaborate because my version contains the use of glory holes and other bizarre shit that’s been spouted and it’s a tad bit X-rated. Not surprising coming from me. It’s a little embarrassing to sing, but it sums all of this stuff up perfectly. All hail the glory hole!
Makes perfect sense, right?
The best part about all of this, is that absolutely none of it makes one iota of sense whatsoever. My kids have to isolate (we’re all healthy by the way, not even a sniffle) but Clem and I are still good to go. In fact, I’ve still been going to my kids’ extracurricular practices and games without them because I’m the coach and am not in isolation. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Just bizarre.
Sports teams are still going strong but the schools are closing down around us. Funny. I’m not some weirdo, just a dedicated coach like I’ve always been and I find that we are indeed living in bizarre times.
With all of this going on, my kids are not allowed to go trick or treating this year which has been devastating to them, to say the least. We missed Easter (due to Covid) and Thanksgiving (not due to Covid) and if it continues like this, it looks like Christmas will be off the table as well. Sad…but that just means more cookies and chocolates for me!
The battles I fight as a parent
Trying to explain this to my kids, is like trying to fight a pissed off rooster on steroids. Whatever you say doesn’t matter and whatever you do, doesn’t matter. I’m met with a bunch of flying feathers while attempting to avoid being pecked to death. Try as I might to justify any of this, I feel like I’m living in Hans Christian Andersen’s: The Emperor’s New Clothes.
As I am who I am, I’m going to try and make this Halloween memorable. Yeah, I’m not sure if both the police and fire department will be involved in my Halloween shenanigans (hopefully not EMS), but I guarantee that it’s gonna be something…well, hopefully. All I know is that my mug shot is going to be stellar!
As I haven’t had much time to prepare, certain aspects…mainly safety, have been overlooked and of course, those corners have been cut to meet deadlines. Hey! At least I’m honest!
I’ve promised my kids that they’ll never have an experience quite like this one and it’ll be something they’ll never forget. Them and the neighbors of course. I sure hope they have fire insurance…
I’m hopeful that this will end up being something along the lines of 80’s rock bands, complete with big hair and black eyeliner, within the setting of a haunted house/Rob Zombie concert type of atmosphere. I’m thinking full on pyrotechnics with horrifying, loud music and dead things strewn about the backyard. Epic.
And my greatest invention! Candy Cannons! Isn’t that awesome?!
Getting creative is my forte!
Since we have to distance and for some reason we’ve reverted back to not being able to touch any surfaces due to the cooties, yet again, I’ll have to distribute candy via non-contact. I think the absolute best way to do this would be to stand on my front step and launch the candy via converted potato cannon. This way, I am far enough back (because for some reason the Canadian government seems to think that all hockey sticks are 2 meters long…maybe for someone like Tacko Fall who’s approximately 7 feet, 6 inches tall, but not us shorter folks) and, I’m not needing to have any contact with the candy because I can just dump a bag into the cannon and go.
Isn’t this going to be the best Halloween ever?! I’m so excited! The only problem is, I’m running out of time and I’m between coaching, cleaning, cooking, and keeping my kid doing her schoolwork (not Lola, she isn’t doing anything…like at all). I’m also trying to tweak my Candy Cannons.
The concept is awesome, but the lollipop sticks seem to make dangerous projectiles, especially when the stick end comes flying out first…especially at your eyes. No worries though! My handy dandy pirate eye patch sure came in handy, and I’ve been told that I won’t need it any later than the beginning of December…at the earliest.
Clem said that he’ll make sure I have plenty of rum to fit the part and I’ll just need to fashion a couple more pirate outfits to get me by. He’s so awesome! And that’s why my mug shot is going to be stellar…how many pirates can the cops say they’ve ‘arrg’ested…besides me? I know…that was corny, HA!
I’m still trying to figure out how to stop the candy from being atomically melted together into one big clump with the wrappers thoroughly embedded. A bit of a conundrum, but I’ve always been up for a challenge! I’m certain I’ll get this licked before Saturday!
I just need to figure out an ignition source that doesn’t burn so damn hot. Oh, that reminds me! I need to get some more gauze and burn healing medication, creativity and pain sometimes go together like flash and bang when I’m involved. Fire Marshall Bill, eat your heart out!
Yeah, I’m going places man!
I’m also tackling a mechanism to aid in the distribution of the appropriate release of candy portions. Wow! NASA, here I come!
I usually give, at the very least, an overflowing handful of candy, so I need to figure out how much of it is released from the Candy Cannon during each discharge. I don’t want to run out too early, so this is a must. I figure that I’ll just have to yell a warning before firing and hopefully the kids will scatter until it’s safe to pick up their goodies…or melted together good-y.
I admit, I’m terrible at physics, and just hope that my calculations are somewhat correct in regards to my candy trajectory when the time comes. My aim is truly the shits, even on a good day, and now I will be having to navigate without my ‘good eye‘ on top of it all. Wish me luck, cause I’m gonna need it.
Party in the front, and party in the back!
I told the girls that since they cannot be in the front yard or around other people, we’ll wait until after dark for their Halloween surprise. We’re going to turn them loose in the backyard amongst all of the dead things I’ve made and strewn about, and crank the scary and boisterous music. I’m going to set off a shitload of fireworks that I’ve anchored to the fence surrounding the yard, while I unload the Candy Cannons, creating a shower of candy like a thundering summer downpour. It will be epic.
Smoke machines, flame throwers and all sorts of fire will light up the backyard and all of its Halloween gloriousness. The girls can run around catching candy in their bags, only able to keep and eat what they catch. They should actually get outside and practice. If it hits the ground, it’s mine and Clem’s!
I better remember to bag up the dog shit.
Honestly, I really don’t know what else to do but make the most of it. Unfortunately, that means I am left to my own creative devices, and that should really scare the shit out of people. I’m sure the neighborhood kids will be absolutely terrified and we’ll never hear the end of it. Ah well, it’s for our girls.
I’m in the process of securing a lawyer in the event I’m carried off to the clank for being too loud and obnoxious. I don’t know why I never thought to have one on speed dial to begin with. Luck favors the prepared…isn’t that the saying?
I guess we’ll see how it all plays out. I hope you all have a creative and memorable Halloween this year, and I look forward to the fun and unique mayhem that’s about to descend upon my usually quiet house. I’m sure that this is going to change our future Halloween traditions forever!
Happy Halloween!
The Hopeful Pessimist 