‘Horti Porn’ and Green Thumb Envy

This post is about horticultural (horti) photography 😊.

I’ve noticed so many folks talking about the shitsation extravaganza we lovingly call winter the last couple of weeks, and it’s hard not to weigh in too. All I can say is, it’s fucking freezing, holy shitballs and I’m sorry, but there just isn’t any other way to describe -50°C (-58°F) wind chill and -40°C temperatures. Nope, expletives to accentuate the severity of this kind of cold is an absolute must. It’s been so bitterly frigid and dismal outside that anything that hangs or protrudes is at high risk of breaking off…yeesh!

I usually find myself loathing winter as soon as the ugly weather hits, sometime in late December or early January, and that includes the above-average temperatures and rain (ice and water are no fun either) just as much as the ball shattering cold that can roll in. If November has a blustery cold spell, it doesn’t seem to affect me the same way. As we just emerged from one hell of a shit storm consisting of freezing your balls off temperatures and nipple stiffening wind chills, I must confess, I needed a release. And it appears that I am not the only one out there.

It’s still cold here, but nothing like it was. It’s still hovering around -15°C (5°F) but it sure feels balmy in comparison. Thank fuck for the warm-up because I thought my house was going to shatter from all of the cracking it was doing, especially around the windows. And talk about going stir crazy, no matter how bad you wanna get out, it’s just too damn cold to do it.

So, what’s a horti (this is the nickname I’ve given for horticulture/horticulturist, HA!) gal like me to do when I get all holed up like that and can’t take the cold stretches of winter anymore? Let’s just say that I usually end up indulging in my secret guilty pleasure of reliving the memories of my previous dirty horti (horticultural) escapades of the past. Yeah, I’m a rarity, but I find that sometimes escaping the realities of a cold harsh winter in whatever way possible, is the only way to survive.

And just what does this secret guilty pleasure involve you may wonder? Well, I like to look at photos and because I’m honest, magazines and catalogs as well. It’s actually more about the photos though, ooh yeah the photos, and I have lots of em’. And today, I felt a little generous, so I thought that I might share.

Sounds dirty, doesn’t it? I’ll tell you this much, you can’t get any dirtier in regards to what is to follow. It’s definitely not what you’re thinking of and the act that ensues prior to the snapping of these beautiful photos can be an extremely dirty job.

Ha! Are you surprised? I thought not, I’m pretty tame…sometimes. Aren’t these flowers just exquisite?

A couple of years ago, Clem and I were fortunate enough to take a trip to Victoria, B.C., and I have to tell you, if you ever go, you have to stop at this very special place. It’s full of the most beautiful gardens I’ve ever seen and I assure you, a camera is very much necessary. I’m talking about The Butchart Gardens.

Ssssiiiiiiggghhhh…I can feel the snow melting as I reminisce. Spring, spring, spring, warmth, warmth, warmth, and flowers and plants, and all that beauty!! I must say that I was green with envy over the amazing green thumbs who created this awe-inspiring wonderland. They’ve had me considering relocating to a much more horti friendly climate after witnessing their impressive handiwork…absolutely stunning.

The photos I took from a few years ago are part of my very private and treasured stash of horti porn that I own. Don’t get me wrong, I take plenty of photos of my own gardens (definitely not anywhere near as fulfilling) and any other flora and fauna I see that catches my fancy (I also have some enti [entomology] porn too), but these, these are beyond special. So special, that I make an event out of viewing them. Yeah, dirty, right?

As I fire up my computer and eagerly await the loading process, I fill with excitement just before diving into my personal stash. It only takes a few clicks as I have it all stored in a very safe place, just in case my computer shits the bed and tries to eat my precious images. I have them backed up in several places as well, as I said, they are invaluable. Photos of the kids…well, they’re precious too, and I do have them backed up as well, but these bitties, yeah, they’re the manure.

I love to look back and ooh and ahh over all of the different flower and color combinations that they had when we visited and I like to plan what I’ll do with my own gardens in the spring. Mine are obviously never going to look like this, but a girl can dream. Wow, just ahhhmazing….I feel winter going away…again, a girl can dream, can’t she?

I’m far from expert level when it comes to growing things but how I do so love playing in the dirt. Soo dirty, I know! Watching plants grow is beyond fulfilling and it’s one of the few things that rewards patience so highly. I have to admit though, my pitfalls have always been more epic than my triumphs, but still, I try.

I managed to get out and pick up a few of the many seeds I’m about to sow (far too many as usual but at least I have them…last year, I was almost shit out of luck), and I am looking forward to getting the bags of manure to complete the process. Hopefully, I’ll be able to track that down soon ’cause I gotta get going. Surely the actions of my fellow hortis and myself alike, shall summon spring and usher it forward…wouldn’t that be something?

I know what you’re thinking, Ali, you’re such a dirty girl. Well, I can’t argue with you there. You have to admit, these photos just made you feel the warm summer sun and the gentle breeze blowing across your winter ravaged, summer weather starved face and now you’re looking forward to the season, just as much as I am.

All I can say is, you’re welcome! And the next time you see a seed or bulb catalog, you’ll be thinking of me and my naughty horti escapades. Hurry up spring, we’ve got stuff to grow!

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