Sending Birthday Wishes Out Into the Universe

It’s your birthday, and you would’ve been a whopping 37 years old. Dude, that’s so old 😂! I can’t saying anything because I am pushing 40 after all!

I’m sending your birthday wishes out into the universe today, and I hope they’re put to good use. I know you’d accept them, even if they didn’t do anything for you, and know you’d pass them on to someone who really needs them. I hope you know that we’re all thinking about you today and wishing you were still here with us. I’m missing the birthday dinner planning that I used to do for the weekend closest to your birthday. It’s always chaotic this time of year, but I always enjoyed being able to make you dinner and spend time with you, especially on your birthday. And the presents! I was always the most excited when I could gift anything to you, no strings attached! I’m thankful to have those memories of you.

Your baby’s birthday was hard, Thanksgiving and Halloween were hard and I know Christmas will be too, but this one is especially difficult. Being the oldest sibling is hitting me hard too, because just by default, it’s always assumed the oldest would occupy the dust pot first. In this case, it’s not, and I live with these thoughts on a daily basis. Not that I’m suicidal or anything, it’s just that it shouldn’t be this way. We were supposed to get old together and have funky matching neon colored rocking chairs, and we were going to be the hell-raisers of the nursing home or have a Thelma and Louise ending! I never saw this coming, but who can truly predict the future?

I look at my little urn, and it’s a reminder of some of the worst moments of my life and the many failures I will carry for the remainder of my days. It’s difficult to celebrate because although I want to celebrate your life, my failure to keep you here keeps slapping me in the face. I’m trying to let all of that go, and I hear your voice inside my head telling me to do so, but I just can’t. Not yet. It’s anchored firmly in place. Every time I see your children, it’s still a kick to the gut. Maybe one day I will forgive myself. Enough self-loathing, today is your day!

We will eat cake today, in your honor, because you always LOVED dessert. I will never forget the comment, when you saw the keto cheesecake I made, when you were here celebrating Clem’s, Mom’s and my birthday, the year before last. You had horrible news that day, but when I showed you my delicious creation, you told me that I had a way of making things better and normal for you. Thank you for that beautiful gift Lea. Your kind words will stay with me forever. They will serve as a reminder, that when I feel that what I do for others is stupid or even a waste of time, that maybe it does make a difference in someone’s life, even for just one moment.

Happy birthday Lea. You were the most amazing and inspiring gift this world could’ve given us, and your birthday is now our birthday, in celebration of your existence. You were truly a priceless gift, one that continues to keep on giving. You will never be forgotten, I will make sure of that. My ongoing gift to you, is to continue giving selflessly and to help others avoid your same fate. I miss you and I love you. Happy birthday Sis XOXO.

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